| holy moly |
[Jan. 22nd, 2009|07:28 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sore | ] |
talk about not using this in forever!! I don't really have much to update about, but i figured i should write something here. I'm not a huge blogger anymore... I use myspace more than anything, but I rarely even write anything there anymore. oh well, not a big deal I guess... since my life really isn't all that interesting... just work and sleep. seriously... I don't even get a day off this week... I'm already at like 57 1/2 hrs this week with one more night of the pay week to go... I'll be working 13 nights in a row... yucko. but I'll be making lots of money. weeeeee |
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| today |
[Apr. 4th, 2007|09:11 pm] |
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today has been a seriously horrible horrible day. I been completely depressed, and want to die... I'm so terrible at life. I was so dependent growing up... Mommy and Daddy were always there... always helping, and doing everything for me... Daddy died. not much I can do to change that... and Mommy moved thousands of miles away... pretty much to start a new life... one that didn't include me... and it pretty much doesn't. So now I have nobody to depend on, just myself... and I'm not ready for it... I can't handle life... I can barely handle a little bit a drama let alone try and fix my whole damn life... The 3rd anniversary of my dad's death is coming up soon, less than 20 days... and I'm not ready, and its making everything harder... every thought is leading back to memories somehow which just makes me more depressed. God only knows why the hell I would ever want to talk to Melisse again... but I would... if I had the chance I would be her friend again tomorrow, and forget the past 3 years of her torture... and no, that's not too strong of word. I want to quit life... all of it... I don't want to worry about what it will do to all the people I know... I don't want to worry about them... can't I for once worry about me and only me for once?? damn it. |
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| I wonder |
[Apr. 3rd, 2007|02:11 am] |
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Does anybody read these anymore? I have really neglected LJ, but I think I might start using it again, just because of the pure fact that maybe only one person will read each entry... so I dont have to fricken worry about hiding the things that I really want to say... anyway, that's all for now... if you do read these... let me know. |
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| gay MySpace |
[Mar. 25th, 2007|11:57 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeless | ] |
so... myspace isn't working right now, and I really had to type somewhere before I lost my freaking mind!... I'm just not ok... I don't like admitting that, and saying that... cause then everyone's like "oh look, Brittany's sad and depressed again"... "God, she really needs to get over it" or whatever the hell else you guys say about me being depressed all the time... you just don't understand... I do not ask to be this way, nor is it an act or whatever... when I'm happy. that's usually an act, thats when you should worry. I can only act happy for so long until it catches up to me and bites me. I've already relapsed into cutting again, but this time I was much less open about it, I don't want anybody to worry about me... and I don't want to know that my friends know about it, and then just brush it off like it isn't something important. This will be a lifelong struggle for me, and nobody understands, and people have given up on me... they don't have to tell me they have, I can feel it and see it in them when they look at me. it REALLY is sad when I feel closer to the friends I have made over the internet... it should not be like that... but they actually ask questions... they ask how I am... they keep me in their prayers... hell, some of them even call me more than my other friends. I just don't know how else to say it, other than I'm not ok... there a million things wrong, and I'm trying so hard to find good in all of it... and I just can't... living this life... really does seem pointless at times... In the end... will I be doing what I want to do?? will I even end up truly happy at some point?? Is it worth it to wait and find out that none of that will happen... and this life will have meant nothing... and that I never accomplished anything... thats the direction I'm headed in... but how do I turn... how do I get onto a different path without actually changing who I am... I kinda just want to pack up and move... anywhere... I don't care where... and try and start over... but that would take an amazing amount of strength and courage that I do not have... and the beginning of a new start might be too hard for me to handle anyway.
I'm lost... lost in my my own mind... its full of confusion, and there is no light for me to follow to pull through it all. I really do fear I may end up regretting everything I've ever done... everything I've ever said... everytime i hurt someone... everytime I hurt myself... evertime I told a lie... everytime I told the truth... everytime I cried, laughed, smiled.... every breath I've taken... and I may just want to end it all. |
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| woo! livejournal! |
[Dec. 1st, 2006|11:58 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
I figured I'd write in my livejournal before I forgot it existed! kinda like how I've forgotten about my xanga! haha... I don't really know what to write in here, cause I'm not even sure who reads it! but I have a job! at the post office, making $10/hr... and anything over 40hrs a week is $15/hr... and I get lots of overtime!! especially since I work 6 nights a week and over 8hrs ever night... yeah, this last pay check, one week I worked 61 hours! that's fricken crazy! but hey, I'm making money! woot! oh, and its a night time job, so I also get night rate, which is only like $40/week but hey, its better than nothing lol... alright well, I should get some sleep!!! bye!
Brit |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2006|10:26 pm] |
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I HATE MYSPACE!!! for once I wish it would just work for like a week straight instead of having fricken problems every damn day!!!! UGH! |
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| why not... |
[Jul. 6th, 2006|12:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Jo Dee Messina! | ] |
ok so its been a while since I've written in here, so I figured... why not. I have to move out shortly.... I could stay here at my moms house for a little while until it sells (My mom is moving to Florida in like 2 weeks)... and its going to be pretty cheap to stay here in this house. well, cheap if like 3 people move in. and I thought it was worked out with 3 people... and now I have no idea whats going on.... the one friends wants every little detail to go her way... the other I haven't really been able to talk to since the flood and shes going to be traveling to florida around the same time my mom is to visit her mom, and I have no idea how long she's going to be staying there. And now I have a nother friend who is probably getting a job and wants to move out, so now she can live here. I just really don't know whats going on. people are getting mad at me cause I'm trying to expain whats best for everyone, not just one person... and for me, it doesn't really matter where we all move to. I suggested that living in Binghamton would be best because it would be in the middle of where everybody's lives are.... one goes to Endicott, one goes to conklin, and my life is pretty much in binghamton. so for me it doesn't matter if I live in Endicott, Endwell, Binghamton, conklin... whatever. its just if I get a job though (which I am silly) I don't know where its going to be yet. one place called me back, but its in Vestal. I kinda wouldn't mind working somewhere here in Binghamton. I may have to suck it up and work in the mall lol. ANYWAY... I'm done blabbing now... but that's my update. |
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| Weee update |
[Apr. 16th, 2006|02:37 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my living room.... | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  ummm | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | WICKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | ] |
So yeah.... I can't sleep, which sucks! oh well... and yeah, that person that I've been avoiding, yup still doing it... ugh, oh well. I can't like eveyone right?? So anyhoo, its EASTER!! yay! Happy He is risen day!! WEEE!!! that's my new name for Easter, I like it! ha, it took me forever to pick out what I'm going to wear to church in the morning... why?? idk... I mean, I have to wear a robe anyway! lol... but yeah, its a cute outfit anyway, not perfect, but cute. lots of pink... yup. I want a hot dog... haha that's an interesting craving... but it has to have ketchup, mustard, and sweet relish... YUMMMMM... alright, well I guess if I don't lay down, I'll never fall asleep.... so here I go.. back to my bed, maybe this time I'll fall asleep... HA! that's funny... insomnia?! maybe. tired?! yes. annoyed?! yes. anxious?! no. hungry?! yes. oh yeah, maybe I'll eat something first then go to bed... hahahahahahahaha.... ok bye!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tany |
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| lala |
[Mar. 27th, 2006|06:03 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Defying Gravity from wicked | ] |
yeah so... remember that friend from the last entry... well I avoided her until Sunday (yesterday) so I went like 2 whole weeks without seeing her... haha.. she's just really annoying, but still a great wonderful person! I'm the terrible person for wanting to ignore her... but anyway.. I didn't really have to talk to her all, so yeah, I was pleased. but I know I can't avoid her forever.... blah. Help me be better. |
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| OMG! |
[Mar. 5th, 2006|10:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
wow... two entries in one day?! Am I feeling alright?? lol.... anyway... I have this "friend" but she's not really... well... she's really sweet and nice... but ANNOYS the EFFIN crap out of me?! I just don't know what to do about it... I don't like pretending to be nice, and in my head I'm saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME, DON'T TALK TO ME, DON'T TOUCH ME, DON'T SIT NEXT TO ME!!!" haha... I just CAN'T be mean, and say "look, I don't really like you that much, please leave me alone..." how the heck would you even come across saying that nicely?! haha... whatever... |
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| need to write somewhere |
[Mar. 5th, 2006|05:26 pm] |
I figured I'd write somewhere that people read the least... at least, I think they do... haha... whatever. I went back to Tabernacle and am currently singing in the choir again... NOT singing in the praise band again... EVER... haha. only problem with that is that Sue is in the praise band... soooo i have to sit by Melisse... UNLESS I sit in the front row... but I don't like the front row... I feel too exposed lol.... whatever.
I know... it's been over a year, get over it already... I'm trying. it's partially why I took a break... Church became the time when I thought about her, whether she would talk to me or not... or heck even look at me.... so I needed a break to get my perspective back... to WHY I sing in the choir, WHY I go to church... It's the time for me to worship Him... not her... yuck. so I must say, my first Sunday back... was MUCH better for me!! =D I talked to her breifly... but it wasn't really anything.... and she gave me a big smile when Theresa was like "welcome back Brittay" blah..................
it's a work in progress.... apparently a 2 year progress... whatever. |
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| it's a long one..... sorry... |
[Feb. 1st, 2006|09:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
SOOOOO Myspace was being REALLY slow... and yeah I didn't feel like dealing with it... I'm on a VERY short temper today... why... I have no idea... I'm just flipping out so easily over the smalles things... whatever. I just really don't want to be around people... actually that's not true... I don't want to be around my family. I'm just getting sick a tired of it all. yeah, so what I'm 20... but guess what?? I'm not flippin prepared to be on my own in the world... and I'm sorry but I don't think that's my fault, I have to learn it somehow right?? and who the heck am I suppose to learn it from?? whoever it is, hasn't done a very good job...
I have a great time with my friends all the time... but even though I'm happy, I guess that's not all to life, I guess you have to be miserable in a job you don't want... you're not allowed to be happy.... I wish I knew what I really wanted to do with the rest of my life... I really thought it was music... but I'm so wrong about that!! I just can't do it... so now I've been thinking about photography, but I really don't know anything about it, just that I like to take pictures... that's it... just like I used to really love singing, and then I tried to make it a career and now I don't like it so much.... I just don't want that to happen again, ya know? nothing else really strikes me, as "yes I want to do that" it's so dumb, nobody else is going to live my life except me, so you'd think I'd be the first one that knew what I wanted... but apparently not.
I suppose right now it doesn't help that I have a few really big decisions on my mind. Churches, Florida, school... it's all nuts.
I'm starting to doubt the whole church switching thing... I haven't been singing in the praise band or choir for about a month now, and not being there hasn't really mad me happier, however; it has made certain things a little better in my mind lol... ok so, I know what I mean, and that's all that matters hahaha.... I think after this Sunday I'm just going to go to Central services. what I think I need to do, is take myself out of the service (choir, praise band, bells) and just be a part of the congregation for a while in both churches. and see how that works out for me... who knows what's going to happen? we'll see with time I guess... I just wish I could get a clear answer. like... just look in a certain direction and either see "CENTRAL" or "TABERNACLE" in like huge blinking letters for me to see. I really wish it could be that easy.
Florida.... gosh... I might love it, however, I'd have to live with my mom and her boyfriend and I see a lot of arguments in the future if I do that. BUT I can stay here and live with my brother right here in this house... and we'd pay rent to my mom... but, I'm not sure how much I would like that. Mom wants me to live with her... and you want to know what I find REALLY funny about that... she got all teary eyed with me one day saying how she wasn't going to transfer to Florida because she didn't want to leave me, cause I had already lost my Dad, and she didn't want to put me through that... well fricken, she threatens to kick me out of her house all the time and what not, how's that any different?? if she really does ever kick me to the curb I can certainly tell you she won't be hearing from me for a while. and Scott wants me to live with him, it's nice and all, and I honestly think I can tolerate him more than my mom, but I just really don't know. Good thing about the whole Florida decision is that I really don't HAVE to think about it yet, but I guess it's good to get a head start??
wow... I didn't know I was going to write a book, but my mind is just going a mile a minute, I couldn't even really concentrate on American Idol, I just kept thinking about tell million other things... and I don't even remember what kind of things now... just this and that.
heck maybe I'll stay in NY and get a place with KJ or Sarah or something, that'd be fun I think. another HUGE factor, is that I REALLY can't stand winter anymore, after the whole mack truck snow thing... I just don't trust myself, I almost killed me and two of my closest friends... and what I really love about the whole thing is that heather gets most of the sympothy for the accident because it was for her audition... whatever. idk... like even when the weather is perfect outside I still just can't pass a mack truck, I will, but I hate every second of it... I try and sing or SOMETHING anything to get my mind off that there is a fricken huge truck like 2 feet away from me... AH!
um... I think this is long enough, I seriously could type for like another hour... but since I know that there is a slight chance that someone might actually read this... I'll end it, so they aren't bored anymore with my pathetic life and its pathetic choices... |
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| church |
[Jan. 19th, 2006|10:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
so ok, I could use a little feed back...
I have gone to Tabernacle my ENTIRE life. but I'm really not happy going there anymore. there are only a few reasons that keep me there... but the few reasons, are huge one... at least I think so. It's the church i grew up in. it's the church I had my Dad's funeral at. I sang at his funeral there. and I love some of the people that go to my church... but like I said, I'm not really happy. I hate singing in the praise band, and the I haven't quit because, then sue would be the only alto, and I would just feel really guilty... I have issues with guilty... and then in choir... fricken... I know it's been years or whatever, but Melisse is still there, one person away from me. I can't help but feel like crap whenever she's around. and Theresa just annoys the crap out of me... blah. I would still play handbells at Tabernacle, not because its a good choir or because the music is good or anything like that, but they seriously need me.... anyway, I've been thinking about switching to Central, it's in Endicott... and I already drive there enough, I'd only be adding one extra day (Sunday) the choir is great, its ALL volunteers, no professionals at all, which I love... and the handbell choir is amazing, about half of the members or also member of Bronzissimo (which made my transition into Bronzissimo SOO much easier for me) I like the pastors sermons better, and his childrens time stories are the best to listen to! and Central is still much more traditional, which I like better. it would just take me a while to adjust and be able to call Central "my church" ya know? idk... its really hard, I just can't decided... I don't want to let down the people in Tabernacle... I've gone to that church forever!!! it's just a really difficult decision for me... please if you have any advice, I'd be happy to hear it! I love you all! |
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| sometimes friends say the best things! |
[Jan. 11th, 2006|09:37 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  touched | ] |
This was a message from a very good friend of mine!! It was like the sweetest thing EVER!!! I just thought I would post it somewhere... I fricken love her!
Miss Britt...
...But i do have a few things to say to you.... You are Such an amazing woman... You have overcome so many difficult things in your life, that i myself... could probably never handle.... Something i will NEVER forget.... My first day of school... I was scared and a little shy... and you... This wonderful girl asked me to be your friend... that day...you became my hero....You are Beautiful and intelligent and a SUPER DUPER singer... and you DO belong on stage.. Dont EVER let anyone tell you otherwise...The funny thing about you brittany... Is you make everyone you meet fall in love with you... you just dont know it yet... Life has big plans for you and I PROMISE... You will do great... and ill be there... at your first Big debut... At your wedding.. when your first child is born... and i will remind you each time... That you are my guardian angel and i thank god for you every day... Dont ever change Brittany because you are already more the woman i want to be.. than i already am.. I love you!!! And i will never be more than a phone call away... |
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| 2006! |
[Jan. 8th, 2006|05:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | amused | ] |
wow, I was just realizing I don't have an entry in here for 2006 yet... so HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
I don't have much else to write... just changed my picture on this thing finally, so now its a picture of me! yay!! not that you all really need to see my face everytime I write an entry or a comment lol... which really isn't very often... oh well. yay! I'm going to Ashley tonight... to like watch movies and play games and eat ice cream! woot! that rocks!! hmmm Friday I went out with Jessie and Maggie it was fun, we went to applebees and talked about all the Harpursville gossip lol yay! and then Saturday I had Bronzissimo rehearsal which starts at 9:30 and I fricken didn't even wake up until 10:30.... and it takes me 15 minutes to drive there.... so I got there around 11... hey better to rehearse for an hour than not at all... and then I picked up KJ and we hung out at my house all day, then we went to the movies with Gabe and his friend Jeremy, and we watched Narnia... it was sooo good! i loved it! anyhoo... this is all
by the way, I've started the New Year off pretty well, I finally did something! yay! |
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| ughghghghghuhhghghg |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|05:16 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad and depressed | ] |
ok, so I just fricken wrote this blog on myspace and like just as i was going to post it the effin site is down... WHAT THE HELL??? it's not like I wasn't already upset enough... but nooo... that just made it fricken worse... I'm tripping off of fricken Christmas, and I'm missing my Dad like you couldn't even understand. it's fricken terrible. I was watching Roseanne and Dan had a heart attack, and they were talking about how they've been together for 25 years... I didn't even fricken get a measly 25 years with my Dad... nope, I only got 18, almost 19.... I'm sorry God, but that wasn't long enough! why then... why me? why my family... why not someone else... I didn't deserve to lose him!! I didn't! I fricken miss him so damn much!!! |
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| like woah!!! |
[Nov. 30th, 2005|05:55 am] |
ok so... I haven't written in here in like a long time... stupid Myspace has sucked me in and it won't spit me back out... maybe someday. and then maybe I'll come back to this lovely thing! yeah right... So anyway, I don't even know what to write... I had an awesome Thanksgiving... I have tons of concerts coming up... I'm officially a member of Bronzissimo, they like me =) woot! maybe I have a future in handbells... I'm such a wishful thinker... my dream would be to play with the raleigh ringers, we'll see... someday maybe... I have a boyfriend... haha just kidding, I just felt like throwing some of you off... yeah whatever... seriously I'm a loser, I haven't had a boyfriend since i started college... ugh... I suck at relationships... maybe if I wasn't so... bleh... yeah, I said it... BLEH! haha. hmmm I wonder if I could come up with an acronym for BLEH...
B-butt
L-loon
E-eeeeek
H-HAHAHA
hahaha... how's that??? yeah, whatever... that's really not how I feel, but yeah. I though it was kinda funny... anyway... um... I have really used "...." a lot in the entry... its what i use when my mind goes blank for a minute... ok not a minute but a few seconds... hahaha... see now that's I'm thinking of... HAHAHHA alright I'm done!! bye!!!
Tany |
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| quiz |
[Nov. 3rd, 2005|04:26 pm] |
Ariel
Which DISNEY character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your true angel is Tough. you act gothic and dark
but really, you're soft inside. you just dont
want people to see that in you. you dont care
much of anything, so anything goes fine for you
Your Unknown Angel Inside (amazing pics, girlz only, and PLEASE read memo first!)
brought to you by Quizilla
You're the Girl Angel. You're very feminine and
love girly things. You love pink, shopping, and
any other preppy girly things. You're quite
popular and pretty and don't mind to show it
off a little.
Power
Make anything look beautiful
Appearence
Metal bikini outfit, one mechanical arm covering,
lime nail polish, butt length curly blonde
hair, knee length metal boots, glowling light
wings. Golden eyes.
What's Your Inner Angel? 17 diff results! Anime Pics!
brought to you by Quizilla
you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.
which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| alrighty |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|03:02 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  OMG!! | ] |
I figured it was about time to write something in my livejournal... it has been sadly neglected. I don't even know what to write about to update on my life, but it hasn't really been to thrilling. Started classes... it's going ok so far I guess. LOTS of rain today, and it was great eventually... I was just walking from my class in Titchner to the annex, and yeah.... I got soaked!!! so I get to the annex and Sarah was soaked too so we just played in the rain and puddles... it's great to feel like a kid again. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost forgot!! I ran into Particia Filan today!!! I haven't fricken seen her in YEARS!!! lot of them too!!! I was suppose to meet her outside the library but I couldn't find her... but I got her number so I'm going to call her one of these days! I was so shocked! I was walking to college writing and there she was... it'd be great to get in touch with her again and start hanging out. anyway I also saw John Z... I can't spell his last name to save my life lol anyway, he was awesome to see, he was wicked tan, and hot as always! I still have yet to run into Keith Sherwood, which I would NOT mind at all :-) hee hee... anyway that's enough out of me for now. bye!
Tany |
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mezzobrit's journal